Yawkey Talk

NSFW: Porn for Bruins fans.

Gary Bettman Cuts His Nose Off To Spite His Face

Wasn't game 7 of the Caps/Habs series an awesome game? You would have no clue, because you didn't watch it. You would think that one of these NHL execs would have an inkling of an idea how they could ride the success of the Olympics and parlay it towards the remainder of the NHL season. But no, the playoffs are still stowed away with the likes of Nat. Geo. and the Food Network (not knocking either of these channels, good stuff.) If you want your sport to make the jump from niche to the 4th major, give yourself an opportunity to earn market share; saturday afternoon games on NBC aren't going to cut it. Buy out VS's contract and go to a channel like USA, the way the NBA has dominated ratings with TNT.

The rule changes that were made post lock-out have made hockey enjoyable again (some would argue that goalie pads need to be reduced) and there are  ample superstars in each conference to nationally market. An 8 seed just chopped down a 1 seed in the forest.....did anyone hear it? The answer is No. 

To the NHL's defense, there are reasons a channel like ESPN doesn't carry the games. There aren't enough commercial breaks compared to the NBA (how many timeouts do NBA teams have? 15 or something, right?) and it always comes down to the dollar. Therefore, ESPN only gives Barry Melrose a 3 minute spot, compared to the 10-12 minute segments they give Legler and Jalen Rose because the NBA is the product they push. Bottom line, the games have never been more intense/exciting; a perfect opportunity to drum up loyal NHL fans for seasons to come. Bettman just sits on his hands and shrugs. If I owned a Subway, I wouldn't hire this guy to clean the fucking toilets.    

Good Weather Tunes

Is 36 free Dollars something you might be interested in?

2010 US MASTERS (1-Pay) $100 WIN
Series Name	Sell	Buy
PHIL MICKELSON	36	41	+143
LEE WESTWOOD	35	40	+150
TIGER WOODS	16	20	+400
KJ CHOI	6	8	+1150
FRED COUPLES	2	4	+2400

Gambling on the Masters is, bar none, my favorite degenerate tendency.  If I were to tell you that the biggest choke artist in the history of golf is bump-drafting 1 stroke behind some english bum, thus creating a perfect house-of-cards for the e'er down on his luck lefty, i'd imagine you'd be interested in shorting his contract. Seeing Tiger's name third from the bottom of this list is the equivalent of Randy Johnson peeking his snake-eyes over his A2000.  Buying in on a T-Woo contract for $20 seems like a good play because that stock is sure as shit going to steadily increase as he plunders the front 9. With this good v. evil, phil-tiger rivalry ramping up, Tiger is going into kill mode to put to rest any argument regarding the quality of his golf game and thus, putting Phil back in his place. Tiger's going to add another 40 Long suit coat to the old rack and awkwardly converse with Jim Nantz while Mickelson sobs into two-shrimp tacos and bunless chicken sandwiches.

Question of the Day: Is sex addiction not just the “I was drunk” excuse for the rich and famous?

From what I know, addictions are supposed to take over your life and generally don’t take a couple weeks in rehab to get over. As far as I know, Tiger’s golf game was still great and Jesse James was still fixing up cars or whatever he does, so maybe it’s more selfish-prick rehab they need but I don’t think that’s recognized by the American Medical Association yet as a legitimate disease.

The only situation where I see these “Sex Addict Goggles” as a legitimate excuse is in Steve Phillips’ case.

That is unless he is a Buffalo Bill type character, then it makes perfect sense.

Cream of the Crop: Worst TV Sports Personalities II

Joe Buck and Tim McCarver

These two go together like a pair of cancerous testicles in an ill-fated sack: On an individual basis, they cause great discomfort and should be surgically removed, yet you will likely survive. But together, they leave you feeling hopeless and empty inside. There is something about the combination of the ever-full of himself Joe Buck and the ever-full of hot air Tim McCarver that makes viewers want to punch through their TVs and then use the shards of glass as a makeshift scalpel with the hopes of removing any memories of the unspeakable horror of their telecast.

Gems like “Right now a walk is as good as a home run,” “Tonight ground balls are finding their way out of the ballpark,” and “Jerek Deter” make it glaringly obvious that McCarver took a few too many Steve Carlton heaters to the face during his playing days, though I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a frequent off the field occurrence between the two as well. Speaking of off the field, McCarver makes sure to make an ass of himself in this realm whenever possible, from having water dumped on him by Deion Sanders, to his brutal TV show, to releasing embarrassing albums of himself swooning like a low-rent Robert Goulet (editors note: YawkeyTalk offers a belated congratulations to Robert Goulet for having the Mustached American of the Year award named after him by the prestigious American Mustache Institute). Speaking of mustaches, Norman Chad sums up Tim McCarver as well as anyone, saying that he’s a person who “when you ask him the time, will tell you how a watch works.”

While Tim McCarver’s show is probably equal to Kramer’s Merv Griffin talk show in terms of its delusion and viewership,  Joe Buck’s HBO show actually generated some hype before it got canceled after a lengthy three episode season. Granted it was only because Artie Lang took over the show to the point where I expected him to claim eminent domain over Joe’s wife, but at least somebody watched, albeit on Youtube. In addition to that failed show, Joe Buck continues to be pompous and is quite simply the Shane McMahon to his father’s Vince McMahon, the George W to his father’s HW. Huge shoes to fill, tries too hard, and by all accounts grade A blowhards. When McCarver joins up to with Buck it’s equivalent to a lonely nerd volunteering at a nursing home with the hope of finding someone incoherent enough to be willing to spend time with him. Just truly depressing stuff that FOX should be chastised for subjecting the American public to.

Cream of the Crop: Worst TV Sports Personalities I

Jim Rome

        Yes, Jim Rome is burning.

        Burning in a way akin to the crotch calamity you contracted after a so called “casual” encounter on Craigslist. Yet unlike the clap, Jim Rome cannot be banished from your life with a prescription for some dick cream, even though dick cream would make sense. Inexplicably, ESPN allows this malignant tumor of douchebaggery and constipated pronunciation to broadcast a show on a daily basis. Luckily he’s not always on, as Romey likes to take quite a few days off from being an insufferable blowhard on television to being one somewhere else, in which case he allows aspiring individuals to try their best impression of him. While none of the hosts have managed to get attacked by a guest yet, that’s likely because technological advancements have not come far enough to the point where reluctant guests who are unwilling to actually appear in person can still assault the host via live video feed. While I am sure Jim Rome is as buddy-buddy with all the athletes as he sounds after the interviews (“Good job BRO!”), it does seem odd that none of his guests are interested in being there in person to be bro-raped on “Alone with Rome.”

        Regardless, the guest hosts have sometimes been able to put on worse shows than Jim because the horrible content of the show is the same, yet without Rome viewers don’t have the daily “is this guy actually speaking like this?” moment which can provide some humor and the reassurance that, worst case scenario, you are only the second biggest tool on the planet. On the usual show, that moment will be the lone high point besieged by a myriad of low points only seen in the depths of the Pacific.

        One such pit of despair is the Forum. This hot dump of a segment features assclowns such as Roger Lodge awkwardly debating with Rome, trying to voice their opinion without angering Rome to the point where he banishes them back home to sit on their couch in their underwear getting nostalgic over reruns of blind date and a bowl of soggy cheerios. After this is the “Final Burn” in which this goateed genital wart final bursts with a mass of ridiculous analogies, obtuse sarcasm, and the random emphasis of certain syllables of words (see: Frank Caliendo). This segment finally puts an end to what can be best described as a combination between a low budget cable access show and Chinese water torture and it leaves the viewer inevitably feeling ridiculous that they would waste a second of their time listening to this man’s worthless opinions.

Best QB of all time?

Good news, we can finally slam the gavel on the best QB of all time debate. While Tom Brady may be emasculating himself by posing in farmhand attire nursing a baby calf and trumpeting an earth day video , he would never ever let his celebrity stock drop to the level of a Skechers Shape-ups ad campaign. Apparently Joe Montana needs to tighten his Buns 'n Thighs because the only people I have ever seen wearing these rags are obese, freakshow, 50 year old women on the subway; social darwinism at its finest.     

I mean, this guy is supposed to be the ultimate iconic figure, who played the most iconic position in the biggest sport in american history and this is what he has succumbed to? On the other coast of the country, Michael Jordan is buying his own NBA franchise all whilst Montana is doing his best Al Bundy impersonation. Pathetic. Unless he was pulled over, hammered, by a cop who is related to the head of marketing at Skechers, then this is completely inexcusable. Don't mind Tom Brady, he's too busy slamming his supermodel girlfriend and not selling shoes that you can only order on-line.

Editor's Note: The diagram of the human body featured above claims that these shoes tone muscles on the pectoral and shoulder area...? What's next? Chipotle claiming that their burrito's help build Sphinctur muscles?