Jim Rome
Yes, Jim Rome is burning.
Burning in a way akin to the crotch calamity you contracted after a so called “casual” encounter on Craigslist. Yet unlike the clap, Jim Rome cannot be banished from your life with a prescription for some dick cream, even though dick cream would make sense. Inexplicably, ESPN allows this malignant tumor of douchebaggery and constipated pronunciation to broadcast a show on a daily basis. Luckily he’s not always on, as Romey likes to take quite a few days off from being an insufferable blowhard on television to being one somewhere else, in which case he allows aspiring individuals to try their best impression of him. While none of the hosts have managed to get attacked by a guest yet, that’s likely because technological advancements have not come far enough to the point where reluctant guests who are unwilling to actually appear in person can still assault the host via live video feed. While I am sure Jim Rome is as buddy-buddy with all the athletes as he sounds after the interviews (“Good job BRO!”), it does seem odd that none of his guests are interested in being there in person to be bro-raped on “Alone with Rome.”
Regardless, the guest hosts have sometimes been able to put on worse shows than Jim because the horrible content of the show is the same, yet without Rome viewers don’t have the daily “is this guy actually speaking like this?” moment which can provide some humor and the reassurance that, worst case scenario, you are only the second biggest tool on the planet. On the usual show, that moment will be the lone high point besieged by a myriad of low points only seen in the depths of the Pacific.
One such pit of despair is the Forum. This hot dump of a segment features assclowns such as Roger Lodge awkwardly debating with Rome, trying to voice their opinion without angering Rome to the point where he banishes them back home to sit on their couch in their underwear getting nostalgic over reruns of blind date and a bowl of soggy cheerios. After this is the “Final Burn” in which this goateed genital wart final bursts with a mass of ridiculous analogies, obtuse sarcasm, and the random emphasis of certain syllables of words (see: Frank Caliendo). This segment finally puts an end to what can be best described as a combination between a low budget cable access show and Chinese water torture and it leaves the viewer inevitably feeling ridiculous that they would waste a second of their time listening to this man’s worthless opinions.
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