Yawkey Talk

Question of the Day: Is sex addiction not just the “I was drunk” excuse for the rich and famous?

From what I know, addictions are supposed to take over your life and generally don’t take a couple weeks in rehab to get over. As far as I know, Tiger’s golf game was still great and Jesse James was still fixing up cars or whatever he does, so maybe it’s more selfish-prick rehab they need but I don’t think that’s recognized by the American Medical Association yet as a legitimate disease.

The only situation where I see these “Sex Addict Goggles” as a legitimate excuse is in Steve Phillips’ case.

That is unless he is a Buffalo Bill type character, then it makes perfect sense.

Happy Steak and BJ Day!

Help the cause: http://www.petitiononline.com/SURM4786/petition.html

And now, what the day will entail for the other 99% of us who don't date the coolest girl in the world......

 

And let us not forget.....

72 degrees across the eastern seaboard. Broads are donning their top-of-the-rotation warm weather gear. 8 hours of round 2 games. Life is good, enjoy the day gents. 

Sleazy Pick'em: The Chicken Hashbrown Vs. Two Pieces of Shrimp in a Taco

VS

    I'll give your stomach a few moments to relax after staring directly into the jaws of hell. Let's begin breaking this down with the chicken hashbrown, the kentucky cotton candy, the hayseed candy bar, whatever you'd like to call it. Say what you will about the complete and utter lack of health value, personal value or the fact that whatever meat source this death bullet is derived from had absolutely zero percent chance of having once clucked......I bet that thing is pretty delicious. Just look at it; crunchy, moist....I'm mentally spreading the chicken and slathering it in ketchup as we speak.  This delightful, dysenterially driven vision is trumped however with an unfortunate aside of a southern twanged degenerate riding shotgun in a '98 geo tracker pulling out of the drive-thru; one hand clasping a bathtub of Mr. Pibb while the other holds a a sleeve of fries, except the fries have turned into a bunless, vegetableless, condimentless fried chicken sandwich. How lazy have these KFC menu big-wigs gotten? "Fuck it......let's just throw our chicken sandwiches in the extra fry boxes. We've basically proved that our customers will eat anything, let's see if this flies." Give yourself a raise. Utensils? No.Gnaw on it like the savage you are, because you only have time to use one hand; you are going to be late to tow your next client's car. As far as the tagline, "Get a Grip".....couldn't agree more if one of your recent life decisions consists of digesting one of these sphinctur bombs. 

   As for the tenth ring of hell, AKA the shrimp-wrapped-laxative, what is there to say? If you walk into a Taco Bell and order one of those things for any purpose other than settling a friendly wager you should be put in a fucking straight jacket. It wouldn't surprise me if this was some sort of CIA initiative to redflag criminally insane US citizens. Let's review the ingredients: three shrimp, shredded lettuce, tomatoes and four pumps of mayonnaise that came straight of a Dewalt Caulking gun. Listen, walking into Taco Bell is difficult enough, but convincing yourself to mouth the words "One shrimp taco, please" to the cashier and then (here's the tougher part) actually think that you will enjoy the next 20 mins-4 hours of your life, is institutional insanity. But, for the few out there who are brave enough, heed the words of advice from the late, great George Costanza, "It's not a lie....if you believe it." 

Joslyn James went to Vanderbilt?

Murray State:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:

You are my fucking whore

Why I Watched American Idol: A Desolate World

So as shameful as it is to admit this, I watched some American Idol last night. Why did I do this? Well first off the state of affairs of television on a Wednesday hour looks like a photo montage of Bill Clinton’s mistresses/wife.  Here’s my thought process about my options at that hour (for someone without the economic means to live it up with premium channels):

1)      I could continue watching a Celtics blowout of the Charlotte Degenerate Gamblers, scrutinizing how Danny Ainge can possibly think Tony Allen should be on this team, let alone receiving extensive playing time. Perhaps I could better collect my thoughts on that as well as why people think Doc  Rivers is a good coach if Tommy Heinson wasn’t yelling for attention like grandpa with a fresh yam in his diaper.

2)      Another option is the so aptly-named Tyler Perry’s House of Pain. Considering it is the most watched cable TV show of all time, I’m sure it can’t be that bad….Or I am severely worried about Tyler Perry’s ability to brainwash so much of the black community to enjoy a show that makes the Jersey Shore look like an episode of Nova. Don’t miss it, coming soon, Medea Gets a Hysterectomy IV: WOMB There it is!

3)      With any offshoot of the Nutty Professor and What’s Happening ruled out, I want to to check out what the good ol’ Peacock is strutting its stuff with. AND WHY I AM PLEASANTLY SURPRISED! NBC has decided to surprise us all by throwing on this new, groundbreaking show called Law and Order, not sure if you have heard of it. Unfortunately, they are showing a Law and Order: Nasal Rape Unit episode that I already own on DVD, so I don’t need to watch that again.

So with such few options, I decided to check out American Idol, since I wanted to see if this girl the clown on Barstool was talking about was actually legit. Plus, I was feeling pretty bad about myself so I figured why not see some people embarrass themselves and get torn apart, having their dreams mercilessly torn apart like a hungry lion on a gazelle or a Jason Varitek not on steroids.

As I watched this episode on and off while desperately looking for anything enjoyable to watch, some questions entered my mind. To begin with, why is Ellen Degeneres a judge on the show? I’m pretty sure the only music she knows about is playing the skinharp and as far as I know you sing on this show and you cannot use real musical instruments, let alone fictional, innuendo-laced instruments. However, apparently in the time since I last watched this show, they changed the format so you can now use instruments. How does this make sense? Doesn’t seem like a level playing field, but then again I’m sure it wasn’t level even without the instruments, especially with Paula Abdul sleeping with most of the male contestants whilst in a Percocet/valium haze.

Overall, I’ve gotta say I actually enjoyed watching this episode. Perhaps it was because I got to watch most of the contestants fail miserably, but nonetheless it was more entertaining than my other options, as well as an urgent reminder for me to build up my DVR library.

Really?

This is a full page ad from the Hattiesburg American. Go get a bucket and a bottle of Pepto, and keep both by your side while you read this.

Pathetic.

Brett Favre, go to hell.

Rest up...then fall down the stairs and never play football again.

Sincerely,

A Patriots fan

Question of the Day

What would you rather put an end to, traffic or human trafficking?

Seems like an obvious answer but there are some ignorant people in the world that don't understand how many innocent people are affected by traffic. While Taken was a very entertaining movie, I'm pretty sure that I've never met a human trafficker. And while both traffic and human traffickers can hold you hostage, only one of the two do so with a purpose in mind. Also, traffic costs money due to lost productivity and gasoline, while human trafficking provides the much needed economic stimulus for the Eastern European mobster community. So in summary, I guess this isn't really a question at all.

Question of the Day

What do you feel safer riding in, the Fung Wah Bus....

 

Or a Toyota?

Looks like the Far East is finally avenging years of persecution at the hands of Americans. Touche.

Hmm...

So George Costanza is the new Jenny Craig spokesman and while this isn't breaking news, I feel it is necessary to discuss this for a moment. It just doesn't make sense to me, and the reason is this: Jason Alexander hasn't lost any weight, or even tried the Jenny Craig food yet. But he is saying that he is going to lose 30 pounds on this, and that he heard the food was really good. How is this supposed to convince anyone to sign up for this garbage? That's like me saying "Hey try Coors Light I've never had it but I heard that it is the only beer that has the unique ability to be cold." But anyway, I guess the fact of the matter is that if someone as busy as Jason Alexander can make the effort, why can't you? Congratulations to Jason for being awarded the honor of following in the footsteps of such dignitaries as Monica Lewinsky and Kristie Alley.

Casting Call - Sports Stars that Belong in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Films

After seeing Frank Thomas’ retirement the other day, I couldn’t help but think about how eerily similar he looks like a teenage mutant ninja turtle. That led me to brainstorm about what other athletes looked like ninja turtles, and who would play the various characters of the TMNT movies. As someone who has seen these movies countless times, I decided to undertake the task of casting athletes as character’s of this franchise. Pointless? Certainly. Intellectually stimulating? Barely, but that is what is to be expected on this site so here goes.

Raphael – Frank Thomas: Angry, volatile, yet very capable with the tools of their trade whether it is a sai (giant fork) or a baseball bat. While Frank Thomas was never capable of being the locker room leader, nor did he carry his team to any championships, he was still an individual you would certainly want on your side. While Frank Thomas probably deserved to get dragged to the rooftop of April O’Neill’s apartment and have the shit kicked out of him by the foot soldiers, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a valuable team member. More importantly, he bears the shiny, round bald head trademarked by those talking turtles.
Donatello - Byron Leftwich: Universally known as the Nancy-boy of the TMNT, this science geek somehow thought he was cool enough to hang around with the rest of the turtles, despite the fact that his weapon of choice was a stick. Seriously? So the group has a guy with a sword, a sai, and nunchucks, and a stick is the 4^th best option? Also, how come in New York City not even the syndicate crime groups have firearms? I can understand talking turtles and mutant wolves but c’mon let’s be realistic. Anyway, if you caught the scene when Donatello mistakenly throws the canister of ooze to Master Tatsu and the foot soldiers instead of his fellow Ninja Turtles, you would certainly understand why Leftwich would excel in this role.

Michaelango - Antoine Walker: Michaelango is to pizza as Antoine is to gambling. They simply can’t get enough. Throw in both individuals inclination to party and their similar skull structures and you’ve got a perfect match. I can only imagine the wiggling ‘Toine would do during the Iceman’s impromptu Ninja Rap performance. What I do know is that both men have always been complete fan favorites, and while they aren’t your go to guy, they certainly know how to get the party started.

Leonardo – Brian Urlacher: The lone white member of the starting four, Urlacher has managed to secure this leadership position not due to his race but more because of the incapabilities of his fellow members. While none of the aforementioned individuals have been leaders on their professional teams, Urlacher has been the team leader of the Chicago Bears for years. Smart, dedicated, and level headed, Urlacher certainly deserves his blue blindfold with eye holes.

 
April O’Neill – Erin Andrews: When looking for a suitable comparison to the single female featured for more than three seconds in the two movies combined, I tried my best to find a decent looking red head in the sports world. Unfortunately, Rachel Nichols was all I could come up with and while their similarities exist, I cannot compare an icon like April to someone who has as much talent as Master Tatsu has hair. Thus, Erin Andrews is the selection because she is awesome and like April O’Neill she is a female reporter that appears to like to hang out with the guys (or mutated turtles).  Here are some phenomenally important side notes about April O’Neill. In the first movie, she was played by Judith Hoag who was born in my mom’s hometown of Newburyport, MA and went to acting school at the Walnut Hill School in Natick, MA. Interesting, but certainly not groundshaking. However, in the second movie, April is played by Paige Turco, from Springfield, MA. She loved to act so she went to this school called the Walnut Hill School in Natick, MA. Sound familiar? Considering these two actresses are known for these roles and very little else, I wonder if there is just one amazing acting teacher that has the spunky, red head reporter with a turtle fetish character down pat or was Master Splinter sleeping with the Dean? Either way, Wikipedia is a phenomenal wealth of knowledge. If you don’t believe me, read further and if you are anything like me your mind will be blown. If you’re not, then chances are you’re a loser and need to start watching more intellectual movies like TMNT.

Splinter – Manny Pacquiao: Not sure why this fits so well. It might be the ratty mustache he sports or the fact that he doesn’t look like he would be a good fighter, let alone the greatest fighter around (prove me wrong, Floyd). Just like Splinter merked the Shredder by flipping him off a rooftop into a trash compactor, Pacman can destroy you within seconds, similar to how Ninja Turtles III tried to destroy this franchise. Luckily, I have blacked that movie out from my mind and I urge the rest of the world to do the same. 

Sidenote: Manny would also fulfill the role of Keno, the Asian/Latino-or something pizza delivery boy/ martial arts guru. However, he would have to shave his mustache for the role so filming would have to be planned accordingly. Daisuke was originally chosen to play Keno but he showed up to the shoot way too overweight to pull off the typical Pizza Hut roundhouse kick that Keno was known for.
Shredder – Kevin Nash: Finding a suitable Shredder was tough in the sports world, considering he wore a mask and under that cover was a scarred Asian face, unusual in the American sports landscape. With some brainstorming with my coworkers, Patrick Roy seemed to be the best choice; Wears a mask, angry, nasty at what he does, not from America, etc. However, I found this choice to be boring and wanted something better. Luckily, Wikipedia came through again. As I browse through the character list, I see that Super Shredder is played by none other than Kevin Nash, a.k.a. Diesal, a.k.a. HBK’s bodyguard, a.k.a. founding member of the N.W.O. If that doesn’t mean anything to you then you were probably busy developing social skills for whatever reason and you deserve a Kevin Nash size 17 boot to the face.

Casey Jones – Marty McSorley: These two have the same rugged masculinity, greasy hair, and propensity to use hockey sticks as weapons, making Marty the perfect match. Not to mention McSorley has some acting chops, appearing in Bad Boys and the incomparable Con Air, among others. Casey was not brought back for the second film and neither would McSorley because the fact remains they were both pricks and the turtles could not have been pleased that Casey was giving April the ol’ forecheck.

Professor Jordan Perry – Jim Boeheim: This character has received very little press over the years, deservedly, but I saw him and he looked like the coach of the Orangemen. Is it identical? Probably not, but they both have glasses, look like nerds, and have worked with idiots (Tokka, Rahzar, Carmelo). 

Well that's all for now. Apologies to Amelie Mauresmo for not including her as Rahzar. I couldn't find a suitable Tokka so just know that you were strongly considered. Also, honorable mentions to Kurt Angle and Caron Butler, you two just missed the cut. And one final note: The ooze is just fast-acting HGH, correct? Come to think of it Barry Bonds looks like a ninja turtle as well.

I wouldn't be surprised if Barry had a few empty canisters in his locker. After all, TGRI was BALCO before BALCO even existed.

Oh, Canada....

At least you still have sweet healthcare.

Is Shick better than Gillete?

The battery in my Mach-3 finally died last week; it was the same AAA battery for what seemed like 5 or 6 years and I was always amazed when it turned on after hitting the button. I thought it would eventually just die one day but it was more of a gradual funeral. It was like watching your dog limp around until it's put to sleep, dragging it's hind leg around and not getting jumpy around squirrels. The buzz on my Mach-3 became lackluster and eventually it barely had a pulse. Now, most of you must be thinking: just get a new battery. You are high off your ass if you think I'm spending $9 for AAA batteries. The only time I spend money on batteries is for AAs and those are only purchased when the Xbox 360 blinking-green-light-panic-attack happens (obviously the retail purchase happens after i've already swapped my remote's batteries and drained those to the nub too.) 

I've always considered myself a Gillete guy. They mailed me a razor on my 18th birthday and I've been loyal ever since (is that the best marketing campaign ever?). Shick has always left a bad taste on my tounge. It just seems like a laughable rival to Gillete; the Washington Generals to the Harlem Globetrotters if you will. Their razor's just don't look cool, nothing about the brand jumps out and makes you jump from Gillete's wagon over to them. But my buddy's gym has complimentary Shick disposables. After a workout (sitting in the sauna for a half hour, the best cardio workout going)  I hopped in the shower and raped all the free shit the gym locker room had to offer (including a bathrobe). I was shocked, absolutely flabbergasted, at how tremendously close the shave was. One word, Contour. The hair was jumping off my face at the hands of a cheap Shick disposable and I was loving it. I have completely 180'd on the Gillete/Shick rivalry. Shick is the blue-collar, little engine that could that keeps to themselves and quietly dominates  while Gillete is like the corporate, douchebag, type razor. My razor's battery is dead and so is my loyalty to Gillete. I defy you to try the Shick disposable, shit is nice.         

Prop Joe from the Wire??

Nope, fat Buster Douglas. Slight resemblance though, isn't it?

Speechless.

Bored at Work?

You're not alone. Bobby Baldspot seems to be dealing with it through his computer's smut-cam.

The website nailed it though: "A Macquarie bank advisor is caught showing a high interest rate in Miranda Kerr's assets..."

Sasha Grey Area

While at the bar the other night, my eyes were trolling the crowd and I had to do a double take on one specific female patron. I turned to my buddy, "dude, that's Sasha Grey." He immediately replied, "WHERE?!" Upon meticulous inspection it turned out this broad wasn't Sasha Grey, but merely a dead-ringer for the porn starlet. And then it dawned on me that every 18-34 year old bro in the bar must've had the same conversation with each other. To prove this, I actually brought it up with my other buddies and they admitted they had previously noticed the resemblence. A few chuckles later, the moment seemed to pass, but then I gots to thinkin....this poor, poor, girl.  

It's one thing to be a celebrity look-alike, say Beyonce or even some washed up piece of trash like Tara Reid. At the very least, they are relatively pretty and are used to dealing with the convenient icebreakers thrown their way, "hey, you really look Beyonce. Do you sing?" You get the picture. But what does this Sasha Grey look-alike deal with? This girl probably has no idea who Sasha Grey even is. She is just looking to go out in NYC and have fun like every other non-pornstar look-alike. Just to express how dirty Sasha Grey is, let's quickly review her resume. She has:

• Licked a toilet seat, in a sexual way....if that's possible.

• Donned a Pig snout during a scene.

• Been force fed deli-meat during intercourse.

Ok, I made up that last one, but I wouldn't be surprised if the clip exists somewhere out there in the gutters of the industry. What I am getting at, is that this poor look-alike must have a truly misconceived notion of what romance is. Dudes that hit on her aren't thinking about an eventual dinner for two at the little italian place on 72nd street. No. The Id or the SuperId or the SuperEgo or whatever the fuck Freud wants to call it, is blocking all chivalrous thoughts and strongarming them with things like: "Where is the nearest Iparty and do they have any Pig snouts in stock?" Or "Is Bologna traditionally served with yellow or spicy-brown mustard?" 

Most girls live vicariously through, The Notebook, for their own fairy tale, real life rom-com. Meanwhile, this poor girl is stuck on the set of,  Ass Wreck: Get into my ass. I have to feel for her because any romantic aspirations she's had have surely been sanded down to the nub at this point. I asked her if she wanted to shoot some pool, but seemed nervous about the cue in my hands. Perhaps I should have brought her a big sausage pizza instead?    Anyways, best of luck to you, Sasha Grey look-alike, I can only imagine the tough road you have a ahead of you. 

For your viewing pleasure, just cut to the 4:06 mark. Dr. Drew tells Sasha that she's going to eventually wear a diaper one day. I'm only upset because nobody rebuttled by saying, "Aren't we all going to be wearing diapers some day, Dr.? 

ESPN is Shameless

Tom Jackon on Brett Favre's 3rd,  season/career ending interception:

"That's the thing about Brett Favre; he's not afraid to throw an interception. That's one of the things I most admire about him."

If there is anything that Brett Favre has shown, it's that ESPN has waaaayyy too much control of the sports media. I thought Dan Deirdorf calling Fred Taylor the best running back in the NFL was bad, but this statement by Tom Jackson is simply indefensible. It's almost as though ESPN personalities are contractually obligated to wear Favre's purple lipstick. This isn't North Korea, where Kim Jong-Il will murder you if it's reported that he shot a round of golf over 18. The guy lost their season and that is how you spin it? Yuck. ESPN is the microsoft of sports with no Apple to challenge them; i can't take it anymore. If Favre pulls this same retire/unretire thing all summer again I will lose my mind. I don't think I can stomach another 24 hour video feed of him getting off of his private jet. Enough already ESPN; have some pride, this is disgusting.  If only CSN would go national. I love those scumbags.

P.S. Favre has thrown the most playoff interceptions ever, so according to Tom Jackson, he is the most admirable playoff QB of all time. Going by this formula, TJ should feel privileged to be in the studio alongside Trent Dilfer, whose track record clearly stipulates that he was never afraid to throw an interception. Fucking Tom Jackson.

A Movie You Should See: Sugar

"Sugar" is a coming of age tale about a young pitching prospect from the Dominican: Miguel "Sugar" Santos. Viewed from the eyes of the young stud, this eye-opening piece shows great perspective on the shortcomings of the minor league system and the gritty reality of a 21st century American dream amongst other themes. Initially, the story arc seems predictable but subtle shifts steer you clear of getting bored as you develop a soft-spot for Sugar.  The slums of the DR paint the backdrop for Sugar's motivation and it becomes abundantly clear that the only mealticket for himself and his family lies solely on his right shoulder.

A scout for the KC Knights plucks Sugar out of the DR and plops him smackdab in buttfuck Iowa for Single-A ball. This is where the movie starts making its money. Sugar is thrown into a whirlwind of foreign situations:   dealing with the language barrier, the culture clash of living with an uber-religious host family and being split up from the rest of his DR teammates.  It's how Sugar attempts to hurdle these frustrations that make it a true expose. When he's playing well, it's merely spilt milk. Conversely when he gets the yips on the mound, he couldn't feel more isolated with his situation. His manager makes genuine efforts to develop him, but there is total and utter communication breakdown.

The grittiness of this film lies in the brutal truth that sometimes pure talent and hard work don't equal success. It's main focus isn't how to overcome these adversities and have a Hollywood ending but more so how to roll with the punches and find happiness. The likable characters and honest delivery make this film a must see for any baseball fan or anyone who appreciates good film making. A caveat- roughly 80% of the movie is in subtitles, but City of God was too, so no whining.

An Aside: If "Sugar" piques your interest in the minor league system then pick up Pat Jordan's, A False Spring. A fantastic book about the systemic problems of minor league ball; essentially an american version of "Sugar."

Another Aside: My roommate recently suggested that I text, "Fuck Off" to 90999. Safe to say he's going to hell?

NASCAR Gets It

  

In an effort to revive ratings, NASCAR execs have encouraged its drivers to mix it up on the track and show more emotion. One of the new rules allows for bump-drafting at Talladega and Daytona, which essentially means drivers are allowed to ram into the back of each other while going 180+ MPH. Will it make me watch NASCAR? Not a chance. But it will certainly make for some solid Sportscenter highlights involving flying cars and rednecks.

I wish other sports worked like this. Imagine if Bud Selig started encouraging steroid use, or if Gary Bettman banned helmets.

 

 

Making Sense of the Late Night Madness

To be honest, I don't know all the ins and outs of what's going on with the whole Leno/Conan thing. Leno retired. Conan took over. Leno unretired. Both shows sucked. Leno's moving back. Conan may be moving on blah blah blah. But none of it matters. Jimmy Kimmel remains funnier than either of them.